William and Kate: It's Panic Time

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No pressure, only the whole world is watching. Kate Middleton and Prince William on April 11, above.

I have a vague recollection of being woken up 30 years ago at 4 a.m. and ushered into the living room to witness the most magical event in any child's life: the wedding of two adults I had never heard of who lived across the ocean.

And as I watched Lady Diana Spencer and Prince Charles something-or-other join in Holy Matrimony on that Blessed Day, my mind raced in so many different directions. Will I, too, get married some day? What will my dress be like? Who will my husband be? Can it be my cousin Jeff? And why is that pretty young lady marrying that old man? Things pretty much went downhill from there and then we all ate bangers in the dark and went back to bed.

But this time, this time, I have a platform on which to speak. And speak I shall, for I believe that I am uniquely qualified to offer my "tuppence," if you will. (Did you like that? That was British. I have a whole bunch more, so just be patient. Chips. That means "freedom fries.")

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Kate under an umbrella on March 8.

For one thing, I am Canadian. Canada is like England's younger cousin from the country, whom you always coerce into going out to buy cigarettes for you and then you never pay them back. So I know a whole bunch about England, including this: lift. And this: "favorite" is actually spelled "favourite."

Also, I have been married for going on 5,259,487 minutes now. Are you impressed yet?

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Furthermore, I am a celebrity of sorts, in a niche level, boutique-y way, and that behooves me, nay, requires me to comment on all manner of things, be they natural disasters, the state of things, or in this case, royal nuptials. I learned this the other day when I watched "Access Hollywood" on my "telly" and saw that Nick Cannon had offered the newlyweds a little marital advice. Nick Cannon, of the Mariah-Carey-Nick-Cannons, who recently provided some strategic coverage to his topless wife on the cover of a magazine, advises the couple "not to take themselves too seriously." Indeed. Hillary Clinton, similarly, had this advice: "Enjoy your big day. Don't get too stressed."

Excuse me? Don't get stressed? Are you kidding? I went to their wedding website and the stress from that alone made me seek out a random intern to intimidate. (Don't judge me—it really brings my heart rate down.)

Seriously, get stressed. Don't you dare not get stressed. The whole world is watching. I cannot be any more clear about this!

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State Trumpeters of the Household Cavalry, right, who will perform at the royal wedding.

But aside from that, and I'm about to get quiet for a moment here—if I can just speak to you on a friendship level, Prince William and Lady Kate. Your Supreme Lord Majesties. Let's break it down; I have been there. I am a married woman. I have three children, a boxy two-bedroom apartment and a husband who adores me both physically and spiritually, though mostly physically. And 10 wonderful years ago, these two crazy kids bet it all on the promise that we would love each other until the end of time, just like you. And that's the most important thing of all, really.

Other than these things:

1. I do not recommend that you let your future husband get a single-process hair color before your big day. Mine did this and it was way too dark, and now in all our wedding photos, my hair looks sun-dappled and he looks like Eddie Munster. Also, his complexion is very pale, but that is from the fact that he spent the entire morning vomiting. Don't worry. I'm sure this won't happen to you.

2. If you have a crazy drunken uncle, and I assume that you do, don't let him anywhere near your bridesmaids. I have one. He pretended to be harmless and tipsy, but then later tried to jam his tongue in earnest down the throats of all my female friends in front of everyone in attendance. If you haven't already done so, I highly recommend un-inviting my uncle Ian from your wedding.

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A horse being groomed for the royal wedding.

3. If you are going to wear a bias-cut gown, and I have no idea if this is your intention, don't try wearing a fully boned girdle under it. I did this and now I swear you can see the rippled outline of my foundation garments in every photograph. It's my fault. The woman at the store advised me against underpants of any kind, but that just seemed like an even bigger mistake waiting to happen, and here we are. You may have this part all figured on your own, but I'm just reminding you to tread carefully.

So no pressure, but if we are all getting up at 4 a.m. for another royal wedding, then we are counting on you to deliver on the promise that we made on your behalf (you weren't there at the time) to remain perfect and be happy forever. It may just be one day in the history of your life together, but I will be stuck with a whole freezer full of Cornish pasties that no one wants to eat, so you better make this wedding good.

And always know that soon enough the day will be over, and the billion people who watched you marry will move on with their lives to something of greater importance; namely, whether that's a baby bump sticking out of your bikini, or just plain old boring internal organs.

Enjoy!

—Samantha Bee is a senior correspondent on "The Daily Show With Jon Stewart" and the author of "I Know I Am, but What Are You?"
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